Tim Morris: Why Your Kids Are Mirrors Of You And What To Do About It

Tim, what's one truth about fatherhood that you've learnt since your divorce?

The biggest thing I've learnt, and I can't believe it took me this long to realise this, but your kids don't do what you tell them to do, they do what you do. And so for me it was just like, shit, I've gotta be a much better role model than what I am.

Hmm

And I don't know if it's due to the divorce. I'm not sure why I came up with that, but yeah, that's the biggest thing I've realised. And it's funny, a lot of people I've spoken to weren't aware of that either. And I don't know how we're all not aware of it.

Hmm. And that is, do you think that plays into how we interact as a family as well? That we are, we are acting as a family unit and not realizing how much the kids are picking up on all those interactions, all the little things between the parents, maybe some of the bigger things as well. Are we not aware that the kids are picking up on this stuff such at a minute level, potentially?

Yeah, I think that's true, but everyone always says, yeah, kids, pick up everything. It gets said, but we actually don't pay attention to it. They do pick up everything. And you think by saying, don't do this or do this, do this, that they're just gonna... take what you say, they don't, they just copy what you do. They exactly copy what you do.

if you, has there been any funny moments that you've, you've almost seen a reflection, you've seen the mirror in yourself and thought, hang on, that's me, not you. That's sort of, that's supposed to be my saying or my thing and you're doing it now.

Yeah. Oh, geez, you're making me think. I know for a fact that I definitely mirror my dad with so much stuff without trying to, or I definitely do that as far as my kids. Yeah, 100%. There's so much stuff. You're just like, wow, that's me. Yeah.

Mmm.

And it's not always good stuff, unfortunately.

Well, is that almost a bit of a wake up call or that moment where you think, I can see that in myself now because I've seen it in my kids? Have you had some of those moments potentially?

I don't think so because I'm pretty aware these days of what I'm doing. So yeah, I know where all my flaws are. Well, I think I do. So yeah, anything they do, it's like, yeah, she's got that from me. Yeah.

Hahaha. Yeah. Yeah. And I know you've been on quite a journey and over the last year, you and I have known each other for eight months now. Met, the most amazing, went through the most amazing experience together on a retreat. But I'm sure there was a moment that led you to decide, hey, I think I want to step forward into the person I really want to be. or you had this knowing inside of you somehow that you were going around and not quite being the person you thought you could be? Was there a moment, like a rock bottom moment, and was there a moment that that shift inside of you happened that you can identify that has taken you to this place of being really fascinated with connections and family connections?

Yeah, there's been a few moments along the way and my rock bottom was a while ago, a good six, seven years ago. But probably the biggest aha moment I had was I was on a retreat that I crew on and I was crewing with a couple of guys that I did my very first workshop as a participant on. and they were just flying, they were doing so well and I was still struggling and I'm like, what am I doing wrong? And then I'm like, hang on, what am I not doing? I'm not doing all the stuff that we teach these guys that come on this workshop, I'm not doing it, I'm not living it. And so I made a decision then, right, I'm gonna start implementing the stuff I've learned. And that ended up leading me to the spear, the retreat that we did together. And that one there, that was a change for me because it was like, I didn't know where I was going in life. My whole world had fallen apart really. And I was trying to rebuild myself. And that gave me something to work towards and gave me the tools and... and structure to do that.

Hmm. was it, well, six, six years ago, was quite a time to have started reflecting on this stuff and been working, I guess, forward in life. Was there, was there a pivotal moment where you realized as you were taking yourself off to these retreats in the first place that was there something inside of you pushing you towards? that fix, sort of that six, seven years ago period? Or did you, how did you end up on your very first retreat really looking in and looking inside at yourself?

I ended up on that first retreat because it was my last ditch effort. actually, I'd already had two suicide attempts. I honestly thought my family was better off without me. I actually thought it was a noble thing that I was doing. Man, I was wrong. And basically, if this retreat didn't get something happening for me, I was done. Yeah.

quite a thought pattern, especially as I know you as having own business, creating your own world, go getting. Was it a case of on one hand you had all of that and on the other hand the thoughts just were not, know, what was being shown on the outside and the go-getting just wasn't matching what your inner state was?

No, think by the end when I hit that rock bottom it was fairly obvious I was there. was just, me and my ex-wife, we went through a lot and we just didn't have the tools to deal with what was thrown at us. I just had so much going on, didn't know how to handle it. and it just dragged me down into a hole. And I was diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD and I probably, yeah, I just couldn't see a way out. Yeah, and so, you know, before that time I was who I am now, but just, yeah, life got to me.

Mmm.

Don't come back.

I am so thankful as a friend, as a brother now that you are here today. man, to know that we may never have met that, yeah, I feel that. Thank you. Thank you for being here. What was the hardest thing you had to face at that time? Was there something, a truth that just hit you in the face or?

Thank

What was anything that was, yeah, that it hit you in the face as this has actually got to the point of no return? Was it suicides, attempts?

It was just the feeling of worthlessness and failure. I felt like I failed everyone around me.

Wow. And, you know, I know you have a history in business as well. And there was, were you not even getting any self-worth essentially from that? I mean, I've carried my self-worth through business for years until very recently. And I know that that's what lots of us as entrepreneurs, we go and attach ourself self-worth to. there even any feelings around that, you know, trying to hang on or? use that as a way to show your worth.

Not really. No, because I wasn't working in my business at the time. I was lucky enough that I built it up to a point where it could run without me. So I wasn't even involved in it. I wasn't doing anything. My ex-wife was managing most of it and we had a couple high quality employees that kept everything running. So yeah, I was checked out of that as well.

Wow. Yeah, I heard a similar story the other day. Someone exited a business for over 20 mil and he said he spent two years just finding almost every single way to destroy himself, his body, his mind, and had no purpose, no drive. And it sounds like you got to a similar place of just almost that there was It was meaningless in every direction.

Yeah, one thing I have realised, you know, when you're young, you go out, you start a business, you get married, you have kids, and I think I've got to a point in life, you I didn't set those things as goals, but they're kind of things that are just ingrained in you that you sort of go out to achieve. And I achieved all that pretty early. And I never set new goals. never... Yeah, I wasn't going anywhere. I was kind of just wandering around. And yeah, it wasn't until I started having a chat with Jason and it's like, what's your purpose? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. So yeah.

Wow. I guess it's that dichotomy of success of if we are just focused on the goals and nothing, I guess the logical goals side of things where it's a number to hit or it's a certain lifestyle to hit that as your experience you're sharing here is that was not enough.

No, you gotta keep pushing, gotta keep, yeah, you need something else to strive for.

Wow. It sounds to me like a very dark time. Were there any points of light in that time? Was there anything that was keeping you just some level of sane?

I mean, one of the main things that kept me going was not wanting to traumatise my kids with my own death. Um, you know, I didn't want everyone else to feel shit. You know, my family, my brother, my sister, my parents, I didn't want them to feel shit for me making that decision. Um, you know, I'd still catch up with some mates and I'd put on the brave face. Um, you know, that was one thing that kept me going, but yeah, other than that, it was really dark.

Yeah, that's it. It sounds like quite a place to be that sort of six years ago. And yes, it do you feel like you were running from anything or was that you? What what do you what have you thought or thought over the time? What was behind some of that at all? Maybe from childhood or maybe some other influences or? Do you think it was more just a, as you said, a circumstance of, I've done all the things that society tells me now, I should be happy, right?

Yeah, there was more to it in the fact of, I don't know, there was a lot going on that I couldn't fix. Alicia, my wife, was quite ill. My daughter's neurodivergent. And I couldn't fix it. It's just everything. I was overwhelmed by...

Mm.

by the situation, by all of the situations, and I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see, and I felt I was just contributing to the problem as well.

almost the mirror on yourself was... You can never see the positive in the mirror on yourself by the sound of it.

That's exactly what it was.

Wow, thank you for sharing that. That's a very deep place to go.

Yeah, it was a hard place to be.

Was there a moment that, as you mentioned, your kids, they didn't want to disappoint them or have that burden on them? Was there a wake up moment when you looked at them and you had some kind of spark inside of you saying, okay, I am at breaking point, were you doing it for the kids or were you also doing it for yourself?

There was nothing I was doing for myself. Yeah, that was the only reason that I was still with us.

Mmm. And I know how much you love them. You and I talk a lot and I know how important they are. yeah.

Yeah, well, I thought I was doing them a favor. I really did. And yeah, man, I was wrong. Because yeah, what I'm giving them now is exactly what I wish I had been the whole time.

And what do you think now looking back, where do you think some of those differences are between who you are and what you are giving them now versus six years ago, seven years ago?

I'm giving them me, I'm giving them time. It's one thing I always wanted as a kid, it was one thing I didn't get much of. But also, not just me being there with them, it's like, my mind is clear. In business, I was always stressed under the pump, it never stopped. It was a 24-7 business. So even when you're home, your mind's still thinking about work. So when the kids talk to you, you're not even hearing them. And yeah, you're kind of just floating through the evenings. Whereas now, they talk to me, we communicate, we talk about everything and anything. In the last week, I've had my eldest daughter with me, and she's just hooked on monopoly at the moment. We've probably played 10 or 15 games of Monopoly and I reckon anyone would have been sick of Monopoly by now. I'm loving it, because we are just having so much fun. Just the conversations we're having, know, we're manifesting where we're gonna land, where we're coming up with different strategies, we're sharing strategies on the best way to win and... Yeah, it's just so much fun. know, we're role-playing in some of it. It's just really cool. We're just having fun with it.

love to hear that. We might get into some monopoly tactics later then and see what your secrets are as you're the expert these days and maybe pick up some tips. I know one of the manifestations of your experiences where you did turn to drink, I will say quite heavily knowing you if that's a word you're comfortable with me saying.

Thank Yeah, yeah, for sure. That's probably putting it lightly.

Yeah, I mean, I only know you as this version of you, but I know that there was quite a journey through that. And you don't have to give us the every single detail, but was it a sort of binge drinking once a week thing or was there something more serious going on?

It was more serious it got to the point where I was drinking almost every day And you know, you think you're in control of it. And I probably was in control of it until the times I wasn't. you know, leading up to when I met you, I was trying hard to cut back, but there'd still be once a fortnight, I'd just go too far. And I would have regret. I'd feel like shit. I'd be in bed for days just feeling like. shit and I was missing stuff that I wanted to be at and I was just over it. I was just sick of my own shit. Yeah, it's been a journey since I was 12 years old, I was drinking. And there's been ups and downs in that. It started out as just binge drinking on the weekend as most of us do in society, I suppose. And yeah, just. Yeah, when business got hard, when business got stressful, it escalated big time. And yeah, I've never considered myself an alcoholic and I still struggle to use that term for myself, but it probably fits. Yeah, when we first went on the spear, you were there. said, I don't want to quit drinking. I just want to be able to control it. Man, I copped a blasting for that. And it's so true. Yeah, I know if I have one, I'll have 100. So I've committed to, yeah, never again. It's not worth it for me.

Mmm. Yeah, awesome. How long has it been now?

Well, since we met, eight months I guess, yeah.

Yeah, how cool. That's.

Yeah.

And this is the great thing. I know you as this person, but I don't know your journey to get here. this is what I, it's fun to jump on and actually talk about this and actually understand where you've come from. And is there anything that surprised you about being sober?

Yeah, how much I'd love it.

Ha

I honestly thought it was something I was going to have to struggle with for my whole life but feeling this good is just like yeah it's not even an option anymore.

Mmm. And has that attitude maybe played out in other parts of your life as well around just the choices you're making?

Yeah, it does. I guess I'm much more aware of what's going on around me now that I'm not drinking. Yeah, I pick up, I can see bad habits when they start to form and I can redirect.

Hmm. And I think that's played out a bit in you choosing to go to the gym or committing to fitness as a more. Would you say you've committed to fitness more as a lifestyle choice, more than a, have to take this off my list from you and I's chats over the last eight months?

I've realised one, going to the gym is good for my mental health. I always struggled getting to the gym and staying at the gym, but I found a gym that works for me. It's like a group training sort of style, which is... connectivity, I love connecting with people. It feels like a team, I played footy as a kid, well as an adult as well. So it feels like that team environment which I just love and I'm thriving. yeah, for me it's not about losing weight, it's just good for my brain, it's good for my body. I just, I feel alive when I finish a session in the morning, it just sets me up for the day.

Hmm. And I guess that's somewhat of a... Is that something that's kept you grounded during this time? And are there other things that you sort of turn to to keep you grounded and feeling very present with yourself? Because it sounds like alcohol was your escape from things. Are there other things that you noticed that have brought presence in your life?

Yeah, for sure. So I've got a habit tracker and it's kind of like if I don't tick those things off each day, it kind of all just starts to fall apart. And the main one's gratitude. You know, I've known about gratitude for years and years and the key is to do it daily. And especially on those days that you feel crap and you don't feel like doing it, they're the days you have to do it. And you just... find something to be grateful for. And personally I've gone, I see things. lot. I find the positive in the shitest of situations now. It's crazy. Yeah, I caught myself doing it the other week. I'm like, that was a really crappy situation. Yeah, I just appreciated that. It's like, yeah, just my whole mindset's changed. It's just positive. So there's gratitude. My breath. I've become much more aware of my breath and how important it is. And I automatically now, I feel myself getting uptight or stressed, I just start breathing. And it just chills me out. Before I do my gratitude each morning and each evening, I just have five minutes where I just check in with myself, see how I'm feeling, have some breathing, and then yeah, on with the rest of the day. It just centers me. I have a very structured bedtime and wake up time now, which I've never had. And when you drink as much as I used to, it's just not possible. So, yeah, so they're the main things that keep me grounded.

Yeah. They sound almost so simple.

Yeah, yeah it is. It's like a lot of things. We all know these simple things, yet we don't do them. Why don't we do them? I don't know. Yeah, I can't work it out, but I know how important they are to me now. I wish I had have known these simple things. Yeah, we're gonna just set life up for me. I would have loved to have known this 20 years ago.

Mm. Hmm. Yeah. things that the, yeah, I would tell my 20 years ago self as well would make the world so much easier. Have you got a technique with the breath? Is there one particular one you go to, or is it just being, just super aware of your actual breath at that time?

Okay. No, there's breath works that I go to. One's box breathing, which is pretty simple. Most people know that one. In for four, hold for four, out for four, hold. That one's always good. That's the main one I sort of learned early on. One that I've used recently, which is very similar. but it's in for like four, hold for four, and then breathe out through the mouth really slowly. And that kind of just gives you a feeling of, I it makes you feel really light.

Okay.

Yeah, and it just takes all that tension out of your body.

And when you're out slowly, are we talking a count of, you know, five, six, seven, or we keep talking the count of, yeah, okay. Okay. That's, that's.

Yeah, six or seven. Yeah. Yeah, it's amazing how effective it is. Yeah, it's crazy.

That's a new one on me, so I'm going to give that one a go. So in for four, hold for four, then out for about six or seven.

Yep. Yeah.

Cool. And that's out through the mouth as well.

Out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through the mouth.

Get the perfect cycle going on. Cool. Awesome. I will be saving that one. And are there any of these practices that you've shared with your kids as well?

Yeah. 100 % yeah, always, they're very resistant. I don't know why, but when they get worked up or, you know, they're stressed about something like just do some breathing, I'll breathe with you. You know, occasionally they will, but yeah, they quite often try and push me away and don't want to do it. So I don't know, I'll persist.

Well, I know something else that you've done as well was in a course that we were both on, we got asked to put a vision board together that most of us did what we were told and printed out our 20 pictures and off we went. I know yours is the masterpiece of all artworks. And it was just the most detailed. You've got pictures from the past, the future, you've got everything on that. And I know one thing that really connected you was doing it with your daughters as well.

Yeah, so, well, it's probably the one, the one task on that course that I out-Henry'd Henry. So, yeah, I went big on that one. I don't know, I just got into it and...

You

Yeah, my eldest daughter, she helped me sort of piece it all together and helped me pick the photos out. We put them all up. I didn't just do it on a board. I did it on a full size mirror for a walk-in road and, sorry, yeah, built-in road. And yeah, we stuck them all up there together. And then I just said to her, said, you know, do you want to do one for yourself? She's like, yeah, for sure. And so we built her one and then my youngest daughter asked her if she wanted to do one. So she's done one as well. Yeah, we were all actually going to go through and upgrade them soon and add a few extra photos to them so yeah, it was a really nice moment to connect with them and I Got to learn a lot more about them, and I think they learned a lot about me as well You know things that they want to do in life that I had no idea So it brought it brought a lot of good stuff out

Interesting. I never thought of that side of things is what does your vision board say about you or what can you learn about others from your vision board?

Yeah, 100%. Yeah, no, places in the world that my kid's gonna wanna go that I never would have thought, know? Matilda wants to go jetty jumping. So, there you go, all right, we're gonna go jetty jumping then. So, yeah, just little things like that, just, you know, things they wanna achieve in life. And I don't know, you don't think they have those sort of...

Hell yeah.

aspirations at such a young age I guess. mean everyone does, I don't know why you wouldn't think that but yeah I didn't that's for sure.

Well, I remember being, yeah, seven or eight. And obviously I wanted to be a rock star, obviously, because everyone wants that kind of thing. Well, I certainly did anyway. But I also had places to travel as well. So I think it would be an interesting exercise to do with the kids to see what's inside of them. And maybe as kids, also didn't ask ourselves those detailed questions because I know your vision boards, they're not just as I said, the 20 pictures, they are full blown masterpieces of everything that every detail of life and maybe that's something with the kids doing it, they've really thought about what does their life look like.

Mmm. Yeah, maybe so. Yeah, I think I might've set a pretty good example on that one forum. And I guess one thing that came from it also was knowing they wanted to go to these places in the world. I sort of thought, well, I know how important goals are. Why don't I? set a goal for them. And I said, okay, on this date, we're gonna go to whatever destination you want. I'll pay for the flights and the accommodation. You have to save for your spending money and work towards getting the money for the trip to go over and we'll go wherever you wanna go and do whatever you wanna do. So yeah, they've got a purpose to work towards over the next few years.

that. And I think that's probably bringing you all just closer and closer together that you've got these shared common goals.

100%. Yeah, it finally feels like we're working together as a team. We're getting to know each other. I use it as a throwaway line quite a bit. People ask me why I sold my business. It's like, I wanted to get to know my kids. And I kind of use it as a bit of a joke, but it's actually fucking true. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. And you know, that is part of your story is from what I understand is you've gone from being the provider and that's, that's who you are. You provide and everything else is just not your problem almost to being an actual present, you know, alive, connected father, you know, what, what are some of key changes that you've seen? over that process of going, I don't know if you were completely disconnected, but very much being the provider, the business person to now being their present dad who's actually around with them.

Yeah, I think the big change and the big thing I've realised is kids don't want stuff. Like, you know, I'd work and work and always had to buy more stuff. So then you've got to work more. And you've given them all this stuff they don't even really want. They just want your time. And, you know, so I've decided I don't need to earn as much as I was earning.

Mmm.

I'll step away from the business and work for someone, knock off when I knock off, and then I can be 100 % with my kids. Because I don't need to buy them stuff, I just need to spend time with them.

Hmm And that sounds like a big difference between being there and being connected. It's time.

Time is what it's all about. Yeah, it's all any kid wants. They just want to spend time with their parents. They just want to have fun. They're gonna learn more from you by spending time with you than they are by you giving them stuff and saying, do this, do that. It's not preparing them for the world at And it's not preparing them for a happy life, I don't think.

Mmm. Going into that a bit further, what do you mean by that?

Well... As I said, we... Our kids do what we do. You know? When I had kids, I said, I'm not gonna do what my parents did. I'm gonna do it differently. And you know what? I pretty much did exactly what they fucking did. And I ended up miserable, didn't I? So, yeah, it's time to do it different.

Yeah, yup.

and it's time to lead by example. yeah, I would have, you know, if they saw me just doing what I was doing, they'll do the same thing. They will. They'll just work, they'll buy stuff for their kids and they won't spend time with them because they're too busy working and they'll end up miserable. And they'll continue the generational trauma.

Yeah, yeah, I have this vision that I will be so obviously different than my parents, but my life seems to be a very close mirror of my dad.

Yeah.

I am, you we've been on quite a journey the last eight months. I am working on it, but you're right, as kids we become mirrors for our parents. And it's for us as individuals, I think, to make that decision to go and change it, because we will literally do what our parents did otherwise.

Yeah, and you know, I'm not bagging out of my parents either, because you know, they did the best they could. They didn't know any better. Their parents did the same stuff. They've just copied their parents. It's a cycle. And I think there's quite a few people sort of around our age that are trying to make a change and trying to do things differently. Yeah, I'm hoping there's a shift. I don't know if it's just sort of the circles I'm rolling in these days or if it's actually a shift in society, but I think people have had enough of what's been going on and there's a change coming.

Mm. Yeah, sometimes we're very lucky with the friends that we get to choose. And I sometimes forget that people have other views, let's say, and some people haven't thought there might be a different way as well. But that's where I also sort of go back remembering myself that sometimes it's not for me to go and walk around the streets with a banner and say, you need to change. it's when someone does is curious about how I'm doing approaching something is to actually share with them and share my truth, not a watered down version, not to scare them as such, maybe give them the slightly more crazy version. Yes, the meditate twice a day or breath twice a day that I think if you'd asked me that same question 10 years ago, I might've sort of dodged the question or not fully answered it. But when I tell my truth, like, I do breath twice a day or for me meditate twice a day is that people think, wow, why do you do that? What that's interesting. So I think by being sharing what we're truly doing, we, other people might be inspired because they can truly see like the full we're giving the full playbook away versus I just sort of do a few things here and there or yeah, I meditate just a bit. No, I meditate twice a day. Same as you, habit tracker says, I meditate twice a day.

Yeah, it's, I think previously people were maybe embarrassed to talk about that or worried about the backlash they were gonna get, the criticism, whereas... I don't know if, yeah maybe people, you just feel like people are ready for a change and so it's easier to talk about it. And the best way to show people, like you said, you can't throw it down people's throat because they're just gonna push back on it. But if they see what you're doing and see it's working for you, they're gonna get curious.

Yeah, yeah, 100%. Ask a question and, you know, I know when you're out with your kids, the connection between you, people must take notice and say, hang on, how have you got that connection? Because I see so many kids these days that are almost, for me, it's the going out to a cafe, you've got the parents, kid, kids on an iPad, no interactions with the parents at all. And my brain...

Yeah.

starts to melt when I see that stuff. So yeah, hopefully the work that you're doing and working towards as well, maybe the iPads from the tables will be gone.

Hopefully, because I've seen it where kids and parents are in different rooms and they're texting each other. It's like, and you know what? I'm actually guilty of it myself. Before I've, when I was still in the midst of it, was just, everything was too hard. But I guess one thing. that is interesting. I don't know if I'm backtracking here, but I've realised something quite recently. So by spending the extra time talking your kid through something and teaching them something they don't know, it takes up quite a bit more of your time right then and there. But moving forward, it saves you a ton of time. just an example on that, the other day I was with my youngest Gwen and we were a bit late to go to where we were going and I said, just grab my phone, have a look where this address is we're going and punch it into the nav man. And so I had to talk it through it. I could have stopped and done it in two seconds, but it took me quite a little bit to teach her through it. And yeah, she got it all in there and she was pretty happy with herself getting it done. We had to sort of work together. And when we left that party afterwards, we were heading home and she's like, dad, do you need me to punch the address in? I'm like...

Awesome.

I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going, but could you put it in for me just so we're sure? And so she'd learned something, she wanted to use it, we got to interact, and in the future, I can just get in the car, and she's punching the address in for me because she knows exactly what to do. Yeah, yeah, I thought it was really cool.

I love that. Yeah. And that's an interesting point you raise around spend the time because then you don't have to re, you know, re explain things 500 times afterwards when you're trying to do it quickly.

Yeah, I guess it's the what's the saying, hard now easy later or easy now hard later. Yeah. You know, you know the one I'm talking about, don't you? Yeah.

Yeah, I like- Yeah, I think so. I think Hard Now is probably the one. I heard a good book the other day that talked about the people who are in the 2 % of the world. They do the hard thing now because it saves them down the track. So if that means taking the stairs versus the elevator, there's some incredible correlation between all-courts mentality and

Yes. Yeah, 100%.

people who, the people who don't fall in that group are the ones that take the stairs because it's, you know, these very small things add up over time that just create a healthier, you know, brain and lifestyle body as well. what, with that, something I about you, certainly now over the last eight months is you do spend a lot of time with the kids. What's your biggest learning from post-divorce parenting? Has there something that has surprised you almost, surprised you in that time? Or maybe you've got to spend more time in a way with the kids in some way because when you have them, you've got them, so you really want to spend that time with them.

Yeah, you know what, it's hard to kind of differentiate between the two because I did it all at the same time. I separated from my wife, but then I started doing all these things that I knew were good for me, which has taken me to where I am now. So, you know, I feel like I... You know, maybe if I started doing these things before I got separated, I might not have gotten separated. But yeah, no, there's nothing, I can't really separate the two because I did at the same time. Yeah. I just wish I had have done it earlier.

Hmm. Well, that almost brings you us onto what your purpose is in life is you've almost had to go through that rock bottom moment to find that purpose. So I know you shared it with me last week very clearly and concisely. So I'm going to put you on the spot and say, what do you see as your purpose moving forward now?

Yeah. So my purpose is to help neurodivergent parents of neurodivergent children go from chaos, disconnection, overwhelm, and transform it into connection, love, communication, because... Yeah, I see it all the time. It's what I grew up in. It's what I was going down the road with my kids. Yeah, I just want to stop kids ending up like we ended up. I just love connecting with people and I want to, you know, I've started to build something really special within my family and I want to share that with others.

You Hmm. And how are you going to be doing that sort of thing is and sharing that message.

So I plan on running retreats up at my property in the Riverland. Yeah, so it'll be a three-day event. I've come up with a few processes that are pretty cool. I've ripped off a few processes from other things I've seen. yeah, and it's just gonna be fun.

Yeah.

getting to know each other as a family, and then all the tools that I've learnt recently, you know a lot of what they are, sharing that and bringing families back together.

And why family events over maybe, you you and I met on a men's work retreat. I know there's women's work retreat specifically. Why a family retreat? Because the saying is, you if we change ourselves, the world changes around us. So why do the whole family at once?

It makes sense to me. Yeah, I contemplated, you know, some time ago doing a mental health men's retreat like I grew on. And I don't know, it just didn't quite fit. No, you know. I wanted to give people what I didn't have growing up. And that's a connected, loving environment. And I want to do it with my kids. I want my kids involved in this.

Mmm.

Yeah, I don't know. It just makes sense to me. It came to me. It's just like, this is what you gotta do.

Yeah, that's the. You know, I feel like that sometimes is I've spent all this time as an adult, not knowing what my purpose is. Then 20 years after turning an adult, oh, that's what it is. Why didn't I know that before? But it's the, it's the experiences that, you know, I had to go through and I know we both had to go through to get there. And is there something in families today, any specific things in families today that actually concern you that you think? This is why we need to be doing these kind of retreats.

think with all the social media that is, you know, and the tablets, the phones, people are getting more and more disconnected from each other. Like I said, you know, when you're texting each other from the room next door instead of getting up and saying, come have dinner or whatever it is, you know. it's only gonna get worse and I know how important it is to get out into nature. You know, we spoke about that not long ago. You know, how much energy it gives you by spending just a couple of days out in nature. It gets your brain going. You just feel good once you've done it. yeah.

It's you know, almost taking us back to how we used to live that our bodies inherently know that we live that way. But modern society has put us in houses and divided us from other families as well. And I think something that you and I have talked about is how important having a group of families there, all going through that experience and being there together more than just, you know, you being there with your individual family, for instance.

Yeah, 100%. It's, I guess, knowing that there's one other people that are going through the same thing that you are makes you feel a lot better about yourself. But then also having support of going through an event like that, having that support of the other people that have done it with you once you leave as well. You know, it's funny, I was actually chatting to a customer today and he's an Indian fella and he didn't know my situation. He sort of said, you know, why have you sold your business? And I told him what we've been through and he goes, oh, I can ask you something personal. I'm like, yeah, sure. And he's like, why is it in your culture that you get to about your age, your kids are about such an age and you always separate? Yeah, it was a really interesting conversation, but you know, and he explained he's an older fella and he's still got his kids and his grandkids living in his house with them. And because it takes a village to raise a child. You can't do it on your own and we all seem to be doing it on our own. It was a pretty interesting conversation.

Mmm. Mmm. Yeah, and that shared responsibility between all generations of the family.

Yeah, you know, and then no doubt as he gets older, they're gonna look after him better than we're gonna look after our parents, isn't it?

As you started this podcast with, your kids copy what you do.

Yeah.

So I guess the question always is what are we doing to make, know, what are the, not just the small things on a day to day level, whether that be how we talk, how we approach food, how we approach exercise, living, but what are the big ones that are lifetime versions of that? And do they want to be, you know, do our kids want to be there, maybe at the later stages of life for people?

Yeah, geez. Yeah, it's funny, I in our society we kind of do it because we have to, not because we want to. It kind of feels like a responsibility to do it, whereas it would be nice to be wanting to do it.

Mmm. Mmm. Yeah, the family is so tight and knit together that it is seen as not

It's not a responsibility, it's just part of what you're You wanna do it, you wanna be there helping them because they've been there helping you.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe even the idea of calling it the word help versus we are a family, like we are an energy of a family. This is how we approach the entire world as a family versus, you know, I'm specifically here to help you. So you know, appreciate my health.

Yeah, no, it's just a natural way of things that happen rather than, yeah, it's a chore or have to do it or expected to do it. like, yeah.

And I think we would have lived like that in the ancient times before we maybe even had human features, maybe as we were jumping around as guerrillas. But as we were transitioning and becoming tribes, I think we would have had that caring of all levels and that initiation from kids to being adults. then as the elders, most cultures hold elders in such reverence, but the Western society I would say doesn't.

No, completely agree. Completely agree. Yeah, I think there's a lot we can learn from other cultures. Everyone seems to be copying the Western culture, but I don't know that we've got it right.

And I'm very aware of the slightly odd cycle of as parents we raise kids or in future I will be raising kids and then you work really hard during your life and then ironically you go to a retirement home and someone else looks after you. Even though you raised and looked after kids for 20 years or 18 years or really a lifetime.

Yeah.

It's an odd thing, but yeah, I can imagine that lots of historical cultures won't have that, that the elders are seen as to be respected. when it comes to, you know, there's a huge part of connecting with kids in the, I guess they're tough times as well, they're tantrums, they're not wanting to do things. Is there anything that you're doing

Yeah.

And especially now, you're very aware of how you're connecting with your kids to allow that those tantrums come through, but using that as a point of connection.

Yeah, definitely. Like I said, I try and work through it with them, get them calm and grounded. And they know I'm always there for them. Like previously I might've, you know, done the old stop carrying on, just get over it or whatever. now it's, let's work through the problem. What is the problem? Let's come up with some solutions. We'll come up with some solutions together. And so yeah, we're connecting by problem solving and working together to find an outcome that will resolve whatever's gone and worked up like they are.

Mmm. Hmm. That's, it sounds like a lot of your philosophy is connection through doing.

100 % it is. Yeah, you gotta be there, you gotta do stuff with them. I personally learn best when I'm doing something, so I'll have them do everything, but I'll be there to support them.

And I would imagine there's some magic moments of watching them get it or just grow. And those magical moments that happen in that process as well, that they're the memories potentially that they're the ones that we want to remember of our kids.

100%, every day there's those moments. But Matilda, my eldest daughter, she's like, dad, can you stop being proud of me for stuff that doesn't matter? It's like, it all matters. Like, I'm proud of you for getting that done. That's cool. Like, yeah, it's, yeah, I don't know. Can you be too proud? I don't think so.

You Yeah, can you be too proud? Can you be too grateful? That's the question.

Yeah, nah I don't think you can. You can be too embarrassing now apparently.

right. OK, yeah, sure. That's, I actually love, I love that when kids say you're embarrassing because it's that, that lovely point where they're actually growing themselves because they don't need you for that task anymore. They don't need you in that situation. And sure as, you know, I've just got my godmom's kids who I love to pieces to reference as kids that I've seen grown up and I care about, but there's actually something awesome when they say I don't, you know, I don't need help with that.

There is, Yeah, and you know, and that's actually the difference between someone that practices gratitude and someone that doesn't. Because you can easily feel rejected and unneeded, I guess, unwanted because they've moved on. Whereas with a positive mindset, it's like, wow, that's cool that they can do that now. I helped them to be able to do that.

And there's always going to be another layer, just I think anyway, just in case we aren't aware, you know, the fact that they're 12 now, they'll be 13 and 14 in a few years time, their challenges, the things they'll come to us with will change.

100 % they will. Yeah. Yeah, they will. And I guess we need to evolve. Well, no, don't need to evolve. You just need to remain open and calm and just take any challenge on. A challenge is a challenge. Doesn't matter what it is. You know, I was...

Hmm. Hmm.

I guess one thing that's different with my kids now is they know I'm approachable. I always thought I was approachable, but I wasn't. Some of the stuff they've come to me with recently has just blown my mind. It's been some big stuff. And I've sat back and reflected and gone, that's pretty cool that they've talked to me about that.

And what do you think's made that shift of when you weren't approachable really versus now where they'll bring those kinds of things to you?

I think maybe it's just because we're spending so much time together and we're genuinely getting to know each other and... We trust each other. Yeah, we've built trust. Whereas, you know, as a parent, you kind of, you feel like that comes without asking, but really it doesn't.

Hmm. Yeah, okay. Yep.

You do, you know, they say you've got to earn trust and you do, but I don't know, as a parent you think it's just a given that your kids will trust you, but they don't. You've got to build it with them. And I think I've done that in the last couple of years and that's why they've been comfortable to come to me with some pretty big stuff.

Mmm. Yeah, congratulations. Well done. Well done for being the building that trust. So if you could summarize and give us a quick bullet point list of how to build connection with your kids from what you've learned. What's that quick list to

Lead by example, as in genuinely, because they copy everything you do. Consistency. Be consistent. Know that they, yeah, they can depend on you. talk to them actually and value what they have to say. Don't dismiss what they've got to say. Because they're pretty bloody smart when you actually listen to them.

Yeah.

and show love, which I think, you know, our generation's been pretty good at showing love to our kids. And the last one is give them time, not stuff.

I'm not stuff. I think that's a big theme of, of lots of the things you've said is the time, not stuff. And that with time, the connection, the trust, everything develops through that time component.

Yeah. it does.

Yeah, so to go a little deeper and talk about you now. What are you still afraid of to fully feel or, yeah, feel within you and within yourself?

I'm still, I still have a fear of stuffing it up. That is... Yeah, like, I know I stuffed it up in the past and I'm getting it right now, but yeah, I'm worried I'm gonna screw it up. And I think that holds me back with a lot of things.

Yeah, that's, thank you. Thank you for sharing that. That's, uh, like I've, I've seen you grow as a friend. And parts of me say, that's surely gone from inside of you. But I think there's also an element of, is that the human condition within itself, sort of that the perfect human example of the human condition of external judgment in a way.

Yeah, I am. don't know if I'm... I'm still worried about. what people think of me or... Well, yeah, we know I am. You had to help me the other day and I was shit scared to do something that should be so easy. And you pretty much had to hold a gun to my head to do it. yeah, I'll take it.

It was a, it wasn't loaded though. It was just for show.

No, Yeah, I've got a... Yeah, I've still got a fear of what people think of me, which... Not sure why because I'm pretty happy with who I am. And it doesn't really matter what they think. I guess that's... That's what I've got to come to terms with.

Yeah. Yeah, well, I look forward to another eight months of our friendship and many more years as well. And being on that journey with you and being there in some of those moments to give you friendly support and other times just saying, let's just go do it and let's go and do it together as well. Let's support each other through this.

100%. We have been a great support for each other. Like, it's amazing how you can build such a strong connection and friendship in such a short time. But yeah, man, I fucking love you.

Yeah, bro. 100%. It's your, you know, when Sunday rolls around and we do our check-ins, it gets me excited at what we're going to say to each other and what we're going to lay down as the things that we're to work on during that week. And, you know, obviously stuff like this and other chats and stuff we've had, it gets me excited to see your name pop up on my phone. There's not too many people in my phone book that actually get excited to.

Bye.

You know, see, just see how deep those conversations are going to go. as we sort of start closing this out, What truth do you still feel you need to embody as a father and a man?

Yeah, it's believing in myself. 100%.

Yep, we'll be there for each other. We'll make sure we're supporting each other on that one. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. And so with that, what does living an absolutely awesome life mean to you right now?

It's just I'm having fun with my kids, we're hanging out. I'm enjoying work because I get to do all the cool stuff I like and handball all the shit I don't. I don't have hangovers. I still go out and party and dance the night away when I don't have the kids. I'm working towards something that I know the world needs and... Yeah, I've got so many great connections around me. just, yeah, I'm just absolutely loving it at the moment.

I love that. Yeah. You got a real theme of connections, whether it's adult, kids, just bringing the best bits of you out as well within that.

Yeah, connections is, I think that's what life's all about. It's like... Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So we've talked about, you know, your journey, how you've really seen how there's such a need for family connections. So where can people find out more about your, your events that you're putting on and connect with your journey as well?

the only place at this point in time is Facebook. Yeah, Tim Morris, come and find me. I'm in Adelaide. I'm only just getting this sort of up and running. I'd initially planned to have a five-year plan to do my first event, but a few people have gone. Uh-uh. So yeah, it's happening pretty soon. And yeah, I reckon it's going to take off.

I know it will 100%. So search out Tim Morris on Facebook. There'll be a link somewhere around this screen, somewhere, go and find Tim. And I know some of the processes and ideas for your events and retreats are gonna be pretty one-off. So Tim, brother, thank you very much, bro.

Thank you, Henry. Love you, bro.